What to say, what to say... Everybody has 'something' they do with their blogs. I started out with my other blog on xanga.com to let my family/friends know how my pregnancy with our son, Alex, was progressing. Then we has issues, and I wrote them all down. Then the grieving and I wrote that down. I'm still grieving but I am [sort of] at the acceptance stage. I just finished reading the book 'Rain Dance'. I cried all the way through it. I could relate with the characters somewhat, and it was very soul-cleansing for me. It's been a while since I have let any feelings out and really just cried. This time of year brings back many painful memories, as I am reminded of our first ultrasound we were to have to determine if we were having a boy or a girl. And 6 years ago, we were told that little baby would have an omphalocele. Then later we found out more.
I'm still wanting, WE still are wanting, all in God's time. I don't know if I can accept that we may not have another living child. My daughter is almost 17, driving and going to be a Senior in HS. But there is still that want. I try hard to focus and the little girl who is growing up to fast in front of me. And I pray everyday, for God to keep her steps in His. But then I look at my nephew, who is exactly two months younger than Alex, and wonder what could've been. Did the doctors just give up? Could they have done more? I see so many handicapped children living and wonder "Why isn't mine?" Sure he would have been special. Special to us. I saw a little boy a few weeks ago while I was working [at the store]. He looked the way I think Alex would've looked. I even think he was about the same age. I stood and watched him for a bit. Then he turned and smiled, and waved. I just about busted into tears, and had to excused myself. I still yell about it. I still get angry. I can't even bring myself to plant flowers at the cemetery, even though I've said every year I want to.
Enough sadness... Lord Jesus, Please help restore the joy You once put in my life. I find myself thinking and tearing-up way more than I want to. Sometimes the slightest things set me off. Please help me. You are our Only Hope. You are more powerful than any anti-depressant and can heal me on the spot. Lord, if there is something You need to show me/us please lead us where You need us to go. Let Your Glory be seen, not just me. I know this is a 'process', a healing process. Please help restore my joy and fade my scars. I need some refreshing... Always believing in Your Awesome, Holy, Mighty, Loving Name, AMEN.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Com'on and gimme your 2 cents!